Advise on becoming a Redneck'

[on the lam]

So this is the issue.... after being born and rised and lived my adult life (50 yrs) in the same smelly NJ town (5 miles from the lincoln tunnel) that is packed so tight I could hear my neighbor fart, I am oficially leaving!!!

I am only going 30 miles but definately in the rural direction. The new house is backed up to thousands of acres of watershed property and is loaded with deer, bear, turkey and the such. Just like a real redneck town!! so I have the oppertunity to act in such a way if I want to (like a redneck i mean).

I see some guys around that town who commute to the city and are pretty much looking and dressing like me!... But then there are the "other guys and gals" who look like they have been there from the beginning of time, if you know what I mean.

So to me becoming one of them means cutting my grass with a ride on mower!!! that will be a first for me! I haven't cut my grass in 10 years (landscapers).

I wish I could mow the fields with a tractor like a farmer (chowder) , but I only have an acre! ...

But I was thinking, I could buy a pick up truck with a rusted out bed, and a gun rack in the rear window and that would be pretty "Red".. I could even put one of those Sunoco racing fuel stickers on the tailgate!! thats had red written all over it!

I would rather not go without shaving for weeks at a time, but I think that would qualify?

How about having a junk car dropped in my yard? I could put a dog house on my front lawn too, and chain the dog to a spike in the ground, she would love that!

In the summer I could set up the white trash water park in the yard as well, complete with several blow up pools, sprinklers, slides, and my mother in law acting as lifeguard!

I'm not a big fan of wearing hats, so a John Deer or Dale Jr. Nascar hat is pretty much out of the question...

I am kinda fond of shooting deer, but generally I do that in the daylight, so to go out at night with my buddies armed with spotlights and rifles after a couple 30 packs is really not gonna fly!

Now if we are talking 'Herons' thats a different story! (quiet Gray).

So I have had the opportunity to spend some quality time with some professional rednecks and I realize to be a full fledged member of the society, you pretty much have to be born into it, on a farm. So that leaves me out... But it is sure fun tagging along...

Anyway after all the thought that has gone into this, and all the different ways I could try to fit in, I have come to the conclusion that it will just never work! and thats because there is one thing that keeps popping up! that one thing that will just not go away,

the ultimate disqualifer, the grand daddy of all things thats is Redneck! I really don't like Labatts Blue

Any thoughts?

[Mortigan]

Coors light - and female cousins...

[rolmops]

When you kill something with your car ,think of it as "fast food",that's what they call it in 315 country.

[seasquirrel]

LMAO. I have lots of ideas for you Pete. I will even hold a redneck seminar in November as I have done for several years for you "Jersey Guys" I will even offer up a response in this forum. However, I will need a few more minutes than I have at this time. So....Stay tuned.

[Gill-T]

Now you can pee off your porch!

[Tim Bromund]

I thought rednecks all drank that disgusting piss-water Budweiser??

[on the lam]

Now you can pee off your porch!

Outstanding!!!!!

[skipper19]

Brew yer own beer from what ya grow in the garden that is guarded by pitbulls, cause ya got some other money crop growin in there. Ya kin call it any color ya like (Red).. in good taste

Make shure ya only git ta town about twice a year, cause ya gotta buy sum copper line and a 100 lbs a yeast. Build yer own still and always wear some coveralls..never wear no baseball cap unless it got Junior Johnson on it with a big block dodge 440 cu in. engine pic on it. Always keep the law happy wit sum a dat brew, so as ya kin keep on brewin.

Never go no where without yer bowie knife on yer side. Rednecks from other trailer parks kin be mean and try ta take yer goods and yer woman.

Beer is important, but make sure ya only drink it durin the mornin, afternoon and nite hours.

Hope this helps

"Crazy" Mark

[Yankee Troller]

Doesn't matter! Your still from one of those states us NY Sportsman look down upon and label as snaggers. Redneck or city boy.....if your from NJ, PA, MA, VT your a snagger! Oh yeah, and NYC....that definitely another state!

[Tall Tails]

I really don't like Labatts Blue

Any thoughts?

Well I think Labatts is a classy beer. If you really want to fit in you need to to get a 30 pack of PBR and or a keg of Genny Cream ale(My personal favorite at deer camp!). Oh and also on move day be sure to start your old 4 stroke ice auger and make sure it runs before putting it in the garage. The ice auger also works well in the summer time keeping the skeeters away! I had a few more ideas for you but they may not be appropriate for a family message board!

[Sharky]

Conrats on the new house Pete. As for advise on becoming a red neck, peeing off your porch ranks right up there. Then there is shooting woodchucks (4 legged type) form your back deck. Gotta get a coonhound, ( American bulldogs will work too), just because. Though to be true redneck you have to drink Genny (yuck)!

[on the lam]

I really don't like Labatts Blue

Any thoughts?

Well I think Labatts is a classy beer. If you really want to fit in you need to to get a 30 pack of PBR and or a keg of Genny Cream ale(My personal favorite at deer camp!). Oh and also on move day be sure to start your old 4 stroke ice auger and make sure it runs before putting it in the garage. The ice auger also works well in the summer time keeping the skeeters away! I had a few more ideas for you but they may not be appropriate for a family message board!

Well thanks Brian, you made my case concerning Labatts, Your from Cortland!!

I'm with you on the Genny Cream ale... Used to have a keg on the porch at deer camp in he 80's BTW whats an auger ?

[Sharky]

BTW Pete if you would like borrow some of my dogs until you get your own, you are welcome to them.

[on the lam]

BTW Pete if you would like borrow some of my dogs until you get your own, you are welcome to them.

Thanks Glen, I may have to. My Weimy's claim to fame is killing a squirrel that got trapped in the yard. She is going to sh*t when a Big Boar comes walking into the yard.

The seller says there is a 500 lb ish boar with a limp hanging around quite often.

I have to have a video camera ready for when they meet lmao

BTW there is a balcony off the master bedroom, AKA an elevated sooting platform!

[Tall Tails]

Oh and I forgot the best way to learn the roads in the area is to go dragging! And I dont mean racing! Find a sizeable fresh road kill hook it up to about a 40ft stout rope and drive as fast as you can around the new area. Gives a whole new meaning to going for ice cream! (one piece of advise if and when it gets caught on the guard rail be sure the rope isnt wrapped around your hand..) Oh and an introduction to the new neibors might be tieing up a fresh kill under there vehicle and let them drag it around. Nothing like the smell of burning flesh to say hello!

[tcon]

BTW whats an auger ?

Thats the hot lookin chic that lives down the street if your from Conesus....

Tom

[BSmaster]

Own multiple chain saws and throw an extra boat or two in the yard. That's how I keep it real now that I live in a small city. I don't mow the lawn when the neighbors do either. I mow every other, other time. A common misconception is that rednecks drink a lot of beer. Well, they may drink a lot of beer in high school. But If they make it out of high school they drink a hellavalot more beer and whiskey. Killing something with an ax will impress any certified redneck. Use the Phrase "I'll tell you what" a lot. If you do not have a lot of Duct tape, get some. If you don't have any you are a poser and any legitamite RN will know it.

Sometimes all you need to do is put signs in your yard. Hand painted plywood or USB board works the best.

Examples:

Camp firewood $3 armfull.

Warning (just warning)

Keep Out!

$100 Reward for information leading to the arrest .....

For Sale (sign works best with something unsalable surrounded by grass and weeds)

Clean Fill wanted

All examples have been witnessed by yours truly.

Just get a small flag pole and fly a junior flag. It is the easiest way to let everyone know you are down with the good ole boys. My brother married into a yuppie city family. They use the term rednecking when they drink beer in the garage. Sounds silly to me but that is where we keep the beer fridge.

[choo-choo]

Congrats on the move Pete......your gonna love country life. Old pickup truck is a good idea, unplowed snow covered dirt roads , potholes, etc. They are great for lhauling your deer, firewood, roadkills , with plenty of room for towchains and shovels and a come-a-long too.Like it was said, peeing off the porch and you can also air dry in the buff on the porch after a nice hot shower.Your gonna have a real mailbox with a red flag ,on a post out by the road Pete. And you can chek your mail just wearing your boxer shorts! Make sure you get a generator, power will be out a lot and your gonna have to keep your refrigerator running to keep that beer cold!Save some empty Genny bottles and you can pour your favorite brew into them ...your neighbors won't know what fancy micro brew your swiggin ! Lol.Don't forget to wear some old dirty, well worn work boots all year long when you are around the locals and when you head into town Pete. You will fit right in...also maybe try some chew! Good luck Pete...enjoy the fresh air....moonlit nights... wildlife....starfilled night sky...peace and. quiet..... sunrises and sunsets...and i hope you are a little closer to Oswego!

[ Post made via Android ]

[on the lam]

Killing something with an ax will impress any certified redneck.

lmbo

[Big Water]

Being originally from the Pittsburgh area and transplanted to central PA, I picked up on a few of the finer points.

1) If you live on, or near, a paved road, take your car (truck) and leave burn out marks within 1/4 mile in any direction from your house.

2) Set a few weekends aside a year to get a case of beer and go driving in your truck while shooting road signs. There should be no signs within 5 miles of your house that haven't been shot.

3) Never avoid hitting an animal on the road if at all possible. Going completely off of the roadway to do this earns you extra points.

4) If you are hunting and see a deer shot that runs your way, immediately run to the deer and claim it is yours. Extreme profanity and threats adds points.

5) Safety Zones don't apply in rural areas and shooting an animal in your, or anyones, yard is acceptable.

6) If you see something moving in the woods, it's ok to shoot it and then go see what it is.

7) At some point in your life go cow tipping.

8.) Have regular WWF parties and make sure you know the names of all of the "wrestlers".

9) It's ok to sneak onto someones property to hunt. When they find you there, jusst say "I have permission from the landowner".

10) Always reload your shells and make sure everyone knows how these are the "best, most powerful, and way better than any store bought ammo".

11) Spotlighting in residential areas at any hour of the night is expected.

12) If you leave the house with a 30 pack, make sure to throw the empties out the window along your drive home that night.

[on the lam]

I once shared a deer camp with some guys from the Altoona area of PA. OMG they were beyond red.. they were purple!!

[choo-choo]

Pete.....you can fit in and tag along and be accepted and become an instant redneck....get yourself a beat up john deere or nascar hat and duct tape on the top of it half of one of those sticky fly strips . The more flys that are stuck to it the better!! Also rednecks would approve if you take the scenic logging roads into town for a viewing at the funeral parlor on your Honda atv .

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[Big Water]

Almost forgot one of my favorite, and funny points (it's a true story);

Hold a Game Trail Camera contest to see who is the first person to capture a spike, 4 pt, 8 pt, 10 pt, squirrel, bobcat, elk, turkey, chipmunk, bear.........etc. You get the idea. These guys guard their camera placements like gold. Then.........find out where one of the guys has placed his camera and rent a clown costume and sneak out there in the middle of the night and walk around in front of the camera. Then don't say a word.

[muskybob]

Don't wear clean underwear in case ya get in an accident

[GAMBLER]

Pete,

Is your new house on wheels? Is it in a park? Just curious. If not, you would make a better redneck if your home had these features.